Milwaukee Lake Front Marathon Training Week 2
Longest Post Surgery Run 11 miles (on a rolling hill course) and done at a 9:25 pace.
|Lake Delton, WI Dells (Nike pace is off I forgot to pause)|
Now, I wish I could say everything is coming up roses but that's not the case. I have gained a little bit of weight and its been the hardest thing for me. I know my body isn't 100% healed and I'm sure the more I recover the weight will come off but its very hard for me, my clothes are VERY tight and I took pride that I was the smallest size ever pre-cancer/surgery so its really taken a toll on my confidence that I'm not there right now. Also, the hormones are out of wack. I can go from happy clam, to sad sally to pissed off diva all in a matter of minutes, I still have my ovaries but your body still has hormone adjustments it needs to go through. A few weeks ago I lost it and had a major break down I was Captain Queen of negativeville and I didn't just cry I bawled for nearly 4 hours straight until I finally fell asleep. I was very down about my weight, bills coming in, and for the first time during this whole ordeal I allowed myself to feel. I never was angry, or sad or scared throughout the whole ordeal, I held everything in check and this one day it all came out. I know I needed to feel and boy did I feel...like SHIT!
I'm mostly back to normal, I'm still disgusted with my weight, I don't think I'll be happy until my clothes are feeling normal again. I'm trying to accept that I had a major surgery and this IS expected but its hard, its probably my hardest battle during this whole process. I hate knowing I've lost my lifetime status at Weight Watchers, luckily have etools free till October, but I really want to get back to me meetings, I do better at them. But if I go...I have to pay and I can't do that right now. I need every spare penny I can because those pesky medical bills are rolling in, I have property taxes due, a mortgage and everything else everybody else has. I really try not to think about the money stuff, because it makes the depression and helplessness worse, so let's not go any further.
On the flip side, I'm healthy, I'm cancer free and I'm loved...what else can a person ask for in life?